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| Garden State.
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone."
"I still feel at home in my house."
"You'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I don't know maybe it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
Fuckin truth. What it is.
I want to watch movies that matter and listen to songs that mean something. I'm in that mood. But then it's 2 in the morning. I'm thinking it's Elizabethtown that's doing this to me. D Lovato says like Bonnie and Clyde, let's find a ride and ditch this town. I'm down. School starts very very soon. If I'm ready for anything school wise, it's to actually try. I'm feeling a little motivated - it is my junior year now - so hopefully it stays. I wish movies were easier to get to. Instead of renting and all of that nonsense. But for a meaningful movie day, which could be tomorrow, I might be willing to put money that I don't have on the table. I feel like since summer is almost over (officially) that I should share some words on it. It wasn't perfect. I realized halfway into my sickness summer that perfect wasn't going to fit it. It was satisfying. That is the best word for it. Summer wasn't horrible. It was a blur, as this whole year seemed to be. I yearn for things this summer that maybe it's selfish of me (like the good life I crave for and got so used to) or Christmas in August. I can't always have good life - I gotta wait for that and well Christmas in August is just not something that can be done - I have to wait for that. I just told Manika "Ahknow, 80% of the things we say is bullshit or a contradiction." Lol. Truth tho. I'm fuckin missing something. That factor that makes me feel 'good life' is missing, got no clue what it is. But the factors of my life are pretty supreme, I'll admit. It just isn't fitting right now. Anyway, it's late. Lol, like that's the reason I'm gonna stop blogging but forreal... my battery is almost finito so I'll leave this now. ATL, you got it. "Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year. And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere." Weightless, that should be enough.
xoxo 75% Summer | | |
| "Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above." - Gia
I'm already back in AZ. My summer wasn't documented through xanga, obviously, but through twitter. Not through myspace or facebook, not even through a shitload of pictures like last summer. Just through twitter. And that's that. | | |
| I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but I used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith,
when I started, you knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference.
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
And I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".
The spotlight.
Oh, the focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
So don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
A Slow Decent - Straylight Run
Get it done anyway. | | |
| "Yes- giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may."
I shouldn’t have expected anything. I know I shouldn’t have expected a wonderful summer - because I had no plans. I had done no summer show research and I expected it all just to fall into place because I was home. I didn’t plan on anything and look where it got me - a year after the most epic summer has fall flat with only about a month left. I depended too much on going with the flow which is okay - if you don’t get sick. I’m not even in the right state right now or not even in the right part of the state. I was reading old blogs from last summer and that shit was real. A perfect summer. I never wanted to say it last summer because it had the chance of being ruined once I spoke the words but looking back on it, it was the absolutely, no doubt about, perfect summer. Nothing can be replaced from it because everything went right. And I know that’s rare. I wanted a little bit of that summer and I can’t say it’s going that way. I’ve felt it in a few days - perfect city day, driving around even though I was fast approaching what felt to be the flu, saturday night at SE and when I’m with my cousin, Ivy, Abigail and Danny. They make this place feel like home for some reason. I love their house. It’s a nice home, I hope they keep it for years and years because I plan on returning every summer.
I could be asking too much though. Actually, I know I am. Hah. I can’t expect to have an amazing summer after THE best & the good life that came after it. I’m starting to mourn the idea of knowing it can’t be like last summer. It just isn’t fair so I’m happy that I got anything at all. It had run for months and that never happened before. Good life for more than a week, a day? Used to impossible but good life took on a different meaning. Not perfect, just good life.
So now I’m doing all I can to get better from sickness. I’m gonna take what it is left and make it worth it. I won’t cry that it’s almost over, I’ll cry when I go back. I won’t cry that I’m homesick because by the time I get over it, I’m going to go back and be bitter that I let this summer go. It’ll be more than a year before I come back to NJ NY to spend a long time here so this... this has to be worthwhile.
This was gay and completely fuckin useless but I felt like blogging but now we’re going to get ready to watch Up. I’ll blog later I guess. About nothing of course.
xoxo lucy freebird
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| "I finally had it right, I finally knew. I just fucking knew." E
It is fuckin dangerous to uproot a person from a decent, calm, content string of days or weeks or months and then throw her across the country to turn life upside down. That sounded bitter, sorry. I'm not only talking about feeling completely off track. I'm talking about jet lag. To be awake until 530 am for no apparent reason sounds quite stupid. Because it is. Also, to be thrown into cold weather from hot weather that I hated is a shock that my body can not handle. Very vague, very vague. I'll explain. This is how the past two weeks and two days have treated me. Let me sum this shit up. I've been sick. If I've been here 18 days (wtf) then I've been sick (and therefore stuck on a green couch which is my bed) for 11 days. I've been deathly not just my regular sick, for more than half of the time I've been here.I'm coughing and blowing my nose everyday though. Naturally. That's been everynight for almost a whole year. But the point is: I love cold weather but how could you fuckin do this to me? Lol. That called for AIM talk. I am currently still sick with a cough that an old man would be jealous of and crampola that makes me wanna roll around ASU in front of my math teacher. I'd say I hate my life but I don't, it's still da best. I just hate these sick situations. So, let me break down the days that I wasn't stuck on the couch, staring out the window wondering what the fuck happened.
First day I got here I hung out with the family for Memorial Day. Went to Abby's, chilled in her pink ass room, spent time with my babies, Buddy & played on a swing set a little bit. I took a nap on a tiny ass bed and borrowed Camp Rock from Abigail. It proved to be a that got me through most of my first sickness. Shame I had to give it back. Then I got sick. Hah. I watched Twilight, Now and Then, Music & Lyrics and Friends. All in one day. Then I was mostly Camp Rockin' it for the rest of the week. Oh, how mundane life is that I can't think of anything else that really happened that week. I remember this couch I'm lying on now. And nothing more really.
Then that weekend was SE. No one wanted to be and Margo's friend. She told me about her hilarious speech impediment. All in all, sitting by ourselves in that room with three tvs and about 6 couches, with a few individual seats, I realized me and Margo will always be that way. Laughing at nothing basically. Any other way wouldn't be right. Ian laughed at everything I said. Apprently I'm a big douche. And I don't even try to be one, I just am one. Um. I guess that's talent? Charisse, Cherrie and Steff were also at the table to watch as Ian tried to balance a salt shaker on salt. It was obviously not successful. Me and Margo were not down. Not at all. It didn't help that we were couped in there like actual prisoners. Either people were followed to the bathroom or we couldn't sit on our favorite couch. Anyway, I spent most of the time when I first got there upset. I was homesick to the max and found a retreat to be the time to realize it. I have never been homesick from things other than my mom in Arizona and the feeling was uncomfortable in itself. I guess I'm still accepting the fact that NJNY will not be the only place I'll be homesick for. Three states. Check that shit out. It sucks. I had a cool ass roommate. I knew it the moment she walked in. Because she caught me crying and she was chill about it. Later found out, she was freaking out on the inside but still. She's legit. Saturday I remember I was fuckin happy to see that I was taking a retreat with ones that I've been 'retreating' with for years. Long ass time, long way. All in alls, good weekend.
Next day was perfect. Like.. actual perfect. The weather. The city, new york city to be specific. The way I didn't die from climbing a tree. Margo and I, after I slept at her house, laughing at nothing again. (We watched sex & the city with crazy remy and her mama was singing Annie. Cute) We headed out in sunny, slightly windy, chilly day to NYC to go to Urban Outfitters first. Whole top floor sale. Bought a striped shirt and a heavy plaid from there. We walked to Top Shop, a place that made me really wish I had money. It was so London-esque that it uprooted those London ambitions. I will live there one day. One day. First I gotta visit but still. Bought nothing of course. Went back towards Urban and stopped by this dress store. I got a summer-y dress and one with the bottom for a ballerina. Then after heading back to Urban to buy clothes on hold, we went to Serendipity where we finished a frozen hot chocolate in 5 minutes, maybe 4. We were only in there for ten minutes, hah. Then Margo chased a receipt in the wind while I laughed. Walked and walked. Shook my shoe in front of a lady in the bathroom and she gave me a dirty ass look. Walked walked. Got chicken and lamb over rice <3 Met up with Henry, BJ, and Van. Found their tree. Watched people who did the proposal catch, the hey man guy who asked strangers 'you wanna play three way frisbee?', an old man who followed his nephew around, two little girls who befriended each other (one of them stripped later on & she also fell face down into the gross, diaper in the air), and then two girls who were corrupting the children. Then the tree came. They climbed it. Then requested I go up there so I got pulled and then put down but then really pulled onto the tree. Took forever to get me down though. Like a cat. Turns out it was easy as hell though. Then we went back to Margo's and I headed back to LI. See, perfect.
Next day I went out, just headed to cousin's house. I'm really beginning to love their house. Chilled with Abby and Danny. Danny asked me if I had pek pek and Abigail refused to being boss's name was real. My cousin and Ivy are still cool. I need to stay there more often. I really liked it. Didn't go to the picnic next day, was confused when I awoke at 1030. Watched 27 dresses. So goods. I keep forgetting. That day I headed to Queens to meet with Len. She was sick =/ so we didn't head to her friend's show. We did catch a True Blood marathon though. Finally got to catch it on the teevs. Goods. Quite goods. I enjoyed it. Which I had the channel. Then k.o. for the morning. We woke up at 4am, well, I finally rolled out of bed from wake up call after 10 minutes then headed out into the rain and cold (my demise) and waited in line with a man who went under our umbrella, told us not to be scared and then when we put the umbrella, he decided to jog into place and yell to ask if we were excited. A guy was wearing a full suited neon green.. spandex thing. I wonder what it looked like in there. Then we stood in the rain and cold for Dave Matthews Band. Worth it. We talked, looked at yellow bread get swept away then scurried away to get bagels, go back home and crash. I got sick that night when I went back to LI.
Henry and BJ picked me up the next day. Bj was sick too. We listened to cd's and took the route through the city. We had pizza in LI too. Best pizza, seriously. The car was filled with coughing. My sickness got worse. My head was threatening to explode. It felt like it did everytime I coughed. Got all the flu like symptoms that day. Headed to Henry's, picked up Marj, off to JC, wasted our time but got to watch which was cool, back to Union town to Webber, left Marj a little, met with Kevin and Vanjo, Taco Bell, beach ideas denied, went nowhere, drove around to tunes, Dunkin, Clifton Commons, Applebees. Went by slow and quick all at the same time. I really don't know. I was dying. Got picked up by Precious and her family. Nicest people ever. Sincerely. Went to their nice casa, chilled then slept into a fever. Got so sick, it sucked. Weakness, fever, coughing, blowing of the nose and others. It was horrible. Tita was so nice. They had to go on without me. I was fine that night... then my fever returned the next day so as mama said, if I was still deathly ill I'd have to go back to LI. And I did. And now I'm here. I miss precious already with awkward talks. And van being funny without intending to be. And nice tita and nice tito. But it's cool. I'll be back there. I got picked up by BJ and Van that day (van, meet van) and transported to Auntie who brought me to Long Island. Felt carsick in the car. Yesterday I just lounged around, tried sitting up on the couch. Watched good games on tv. Magics won. Pens won =) Watched that 70s show where fez said, "my gosh, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores." I watched something with Paris Hilton, lol. And yeah. Now here I am. Still slightly sick but majorly in pain. Death cramps came. Death cramps almost killed me this morning at 630 am. Fuckin ridiculous. As is this blog. I wanna see the hangover and up.
Shit's long as hell for no reason. Looks like I actually did a lot here. HAH.
xoxo swine flu
sorry to everyone who caught my sickness =(
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